WARNING! LONG JOURNAL AHEAD.

Ok. I’m gunna give you guys a bit of info on what’s been going on… And a look inside my childhood. Coz I feel kind of bad about telling you that there’s a problem and not actually explaining what’s, like, going on inside my head. And you’ve all been so supportive that I feel quite comfortable with sharing. :3

But it’s long. >_>

As you may or may not know, I grew up with three older brothers and a younger sister. The eldest brother is… 6 years older than me (f*ck I suck at remembering things)(Matt)? The middle one is 3 years older (Tim) and the younger is 2 years older (Ben). And Mandy is a year younger than moi. I was the excluded one, because Mandy and the boys were all buddy-buddy with each other (whatever, I had mad art skillz and was apparently my mother’s favourite). But yeah, I was the loner child. :3

Daddy dearest used to work an 18 hour shift at the railway and was always tired or sore. Mother Duck had a serious obsessive compulsive disorder and not a lot of time to be happy, what with trying to raise 5 kids and make ends meet. Anyway, she found time to finish her high school degree in the midst of parenthood and eventually got into Uni. From what I can remember, my father wasn’t too supportive of this, but she went anyway.

She kinda hooked up with a bunch of friends (friends were a new concept to her, because she’d always been shut in the house trying to be the perfect mother and wife), and soon was convinced to see a counsellor because she was really unhappy (or something). I dunno, I was kid and this is what I’ve heard hereafter.

Anyway, when I was 8, my mum kinda burst into our home, followed by a couple of cops. I remember a few details… Like how Tim, Ben, Mandy and I were watching ‘Bonkers’ when Mum walked past. Then all of a sudden there were these two officers standing there watching us while Mum and Dad were having a massive domestic up the back of the house. Then Mum started packing all our clothes up. I remember asking her where we were going, but she was being vague. We were placed in the car, Tim, Ben, Mandy and I (Matt was old enough to decide whether he was going or not… Ben kind of took off down the street, trying to get away… He was caught though. )

We were taken to a shelter. A shelter for women who were being abused. Oakly House? It was a horrible place. Cold, damp and it smelt weird. ANYWAY. Unhappiness. And ghost stories about the Blaire Witch living in the old house across the street. :3

Their childcare centre was… Creepy… This little kid kept following us around… He was prolly seriously messed up or something… O_o

Yeah, so, Mum came in crying after a couple of days and told us that her and Dad were splitting up and we had to choose whether we wanted to live with her or him. Ben, Mandy and I felt kind of sorry for her, coz she was crying and stuff, so we said we’d live with her. Tim went to Dad straight away.

So, in the span of about a week, we stayed at Oakly House. Then Mum moved us in with one of her Uni friends until she managed to rent a place in Roslynne Ave. So, that was our new home.

For the first time ever, Mum couldn’t be the perfect parent… She started struggling, and we had to help her out. Mandy was a brat though, and argued a lot and Ben was just mellowed-out half the time and kinda distant. She’d study and I’d take care of the cleaning and such (nagging for the others to do something), then she’d make our meals for us (sometimes she couldn’t because she didn’t have the energy, so we’d all go on a big mission to create 2-minute noodles). It wasn’t too bad, I guess. There was just such a gloominess… The house was blargh. Yes, blargh. >_>

Dad was trying too. It was about here that he started going through a midlife crisis. So he did what he could. And Mum didn’t have a job. So I have no effing idea how anything happened. I was only 8 at the time. I’m surprised we had as much money as we did. Spose the government helped or something. O_o

Then some odd shiznit happened between us three kids. I don’t wanna go into it. It was… Bleh. >_>

ANYWAY. Ben soon moved out and in with Dad. So it was just Mandy and I. It was about then that Mum kinda started becoming a bit more distracted… Then she went away for a short period of time, and we stayed with her Uni friend. But she came back. Then all of a sudden we were being shipped over to Sydney for 7 weeks while she went globe trotting. I understand now that we went to Poppy because Mum didn’t want us to live with Dad. Because then we might have moved in with him too.

It wasn’t so bad. Poppy and Nanna Dawn were nice, and we got a chance to meet our great Nanna and see a few sites. It wasn’t until I found out later that Poppy and his brothers were involved with some bad happenings in Mum’s life that the memories seem kind of uncomfortable. I heard this from Dad though, so I don’t know if it’s true.

Well, when Mum came back, she came back with a fella. And we all went down to Tassie together. Then I had to come to terms with the fact that she was actually dating someone… From England. Which was pretty cool actually. But I guess I kind of hoped Mum and Dad would miraculously get back together. But Dad apparently burned a lot of bridges and stuff, so it was a lost cause. But I hoped anyway.

OK! So, about this time I was… Um… 12? No, 11 turning 12… 10???? Mum handed us back over to Dad. Because she was moving to England for 6 months. Woah. Shock horror. Wow there’s some bad memories surrounding that.

Anyways, we moved in with Dad, Dad took the opportunity to divulge every bad thing Mum’s ever done. And our impressionable minds soaked it all up. I don’t know if half of what he said was true… But… It felt real. And it was so hard with her being gone, especially since she couldn’t defend herself. Even now I get really sulky when I don’t see her for a while (which is prolly part of the problem atm. I haven’t seen her for over 3 weeks).

SO. Dad successfully managed to turn us against Mum. Matt and I took on the task of trying to keep the house in order while Dad was working. So it was kind of the same situation as with Mum, ‘cept I had Matt’s help. And he’s substantially older and larger than I, so it was much better. :3

Mum ended up suffering a drastic breakdown over in the UK and stayed another 4 months. 10 months she was gone. And all the while, Dad’s side of the family was piling all this info on us.

And Ben almost died. Something went wrong with his bowel (colon) or something… Mum still didn’t come back. That was… Hard to comprehend.

Yuck. Let’s move on from that.

But then Dad bought a sheila home. This was Kelly. Kelly wasn’t too bad… But the idea of both Dad and Mum moving on from each other was weird. At the time I mean. Now I can see it was wonderfully healthy. But hey, I was really hoping that some form of a happy family would emerge once again…

Anyway, then Dad started sending us away for morning and afternoon care. This was Mel. Mel was bad. Mel fed me off milk and burnt pumpkin and caramelised cabbage. Mel introduced me to SWAT Kats though. But Mel’s brother was kinda… Brazen. I dunno, he was always so rough with Mandy and I. And Mel’s bf was sooooo damn creeeeeepy… Like, shifty I’m-gunna-repe-yo’-Mum creepy. *shudder*

Oh well. Mel was gone eventually. With a few harsh words to father. >_>

NOW THIS WAS ABOUT THE TIME I DISCOVERED THE INTERNETS. :3

The internets were good. It was an escape. I love the internets.

ANYWAY. Then Kelly started offering us afternoon and morning care. And eventually she started helping with the chores around the house while we were at school. Which meant Matt and I were released from our little workload.

Then Mum came back. Mandy pretty much jumped into her arms… But she says it was because Mum did a lot of sucking up to us kids. I dunno. Eventually the boys started seeing her again too. I couldn’t even greet her at the front door. I hated her so much back then. Now I was 12 turning 13? Older? Younger? Who knows? I do very little reminiscing about these years.

Anyway, she soon married the English fella (Kevin) and became pregnant. This was the turning point for me, because although I (at the time) wasn’t willing to forgive her but I still wanted to be apart of the baby’s life. So I started visiting her again (by this time she was living in Launceston).

Yeah, so things kinda started getting back on track…

But then Kelly and Dad had a moment. But then they were together again. But this time, Kelly and her kids were moving in. Kelly and her girls were now inside our house. This was a horrible, horrible adjustment that is STILL going on. She moved in about 4 years ago, so maybe I don’t have all the times right. BUT. Yeah, two different backgrounds clashing horribly… *sigh*

Oh well. Now I had a half-sister and some ‘step-sisters’ (Dad and Kelly weren’t married, but engaged… So it comes to the same thing (They still aren’t married – Dad doesn’t see the point)).

But then Ben was caught doing something with Nikkita (Kelly’s youngest)… things which brought up memories of Roslynne Ave… Ben went to see a counsellor. Nikkita was taken from Kelly. Mess messy messy. Let’s change the subject.

So after the last three or so years, I’d forgiven Mum, come to terms with the fact that my father isn’t the all knowing God that he appeared to be when Mum left for England the 3rd time, attempted to disregard what was said during those unhappy years and form my own opinions… And adjust to Kelly’s girls moving in and out and the house being scrambled constantly. Seriously. There’s never anything stable going on for those girls. BAH! Just STAY somewhere. =_=

This next bit is the majorist thing though…

Last year (or the year before), I introduced a friend to my family. She was pretty cool (or so I thought). She’s my age… Her name is Kalina. Kalina at the time was a 15-year-old girl. Before long… Kalina started dating my eldest brother. Now, he was around 20, and she was 15. There are laws against this. Big, angry laws. Laws that smite you into the dirt and put big, loveable brothers into prison. This… Was a burden. Because I knew. And I couldn’t tell anyone. And they were sneaking around so much. It was such a scary experience. It still is. Coz even though she’s legally allowed to have sex, she could still slap Matt down with big, angry charges that could send him to prison. The worst part about it though was that she used to tell me everything they did. He did not like this. I did not like this. My other friends did not like this. And I cannot ever forgive her for this. So much tarnished innocence. T_T

But not long after they started dating, Matt got a home of his own. And eventually our side of the family caught wind of what was going on between them. God, the sneaking was so horrible. Her parents didn’t find out until recently, but they’re supportive, which is a relief.

Anyway, Kalina and I eventually had a falling-out. Because she’s clingy and controlling and a brat and immature and likes to think she’s wiser than everyone and does so many stupid things to attract attention to herself and acts like she’s better than everyone because her parents are rich. F*ck you. But she threatened the police onto me. Which was a shock. Because we were BEST FRIENDS for so long – I introduced her to my brother (YOU FAIL, EMILY!) and we were so close and she supported me so much through my scoliosis (yeah, somewhere in there it was discovered that I had two abnormal curves in the spine. Meh. That was horrible, but not really worth mentioning, because it doesn’t come in comparison to what went on between Matt, Kalina and I) … And then she turns on me like that. Yeah, ok, bad things were said on both sides, but to say, “I’m gunna call the cops on you for harassment charges”, even though it was ONE convo over text… It kind of worried me as to how a break-up between her and Matt would unfold.

And then Matt lost his place and moved back in and Kalina started coming around more and more and my home felt violated because I hated her and stuff. But that doesn’t matter. Because as long as Matt was happy, it was all good. So what if I walked out of my room and there she was… Flaunting all her ‘assets’ and ‘awesome personality traits’. There were many fights involving this. And a breakdown on my behalf. Which was the scariest thing of all.

But I talked to my Mum about it, and came to accept Kalina as part of my life, and decided that, hey, she’s not someone I want in MY life, but she’s someone Matt wants in his life. And I couldn’t escape from that. So make the most of it, right? :3

Anyway. Yeah. CURRENT LIFE! Kelly’s daughters are bringing a bunch of bogans into the house. It feels like the pits here now. They smoke and walk around pissed and I just feel like the home I grew up in is completely gone and vanished. Seriously, my childhood was so neat and bright and happy and now it’s just a major scunge-fest. Friggin Allysha and her bf Elkana were doing make-outs on the couch one day, and the next he was giving her a hicky on the breast. SERIOUSLY. WHY DO I NEED TO SEE THAT. And he was the same fella who said, “Hey, Emily, I’d LOVE IT if you gave me head.” *shudder* Jeez, those girls sure can pick ‘em.

Then we found out that they’ve been doing weird shit in our room (I share a room with these girls, btw). And there’ve been allegations that stuff has happened on my bed. Yeah. Violation.

Then Matt and Kalina had a break up. It lasted a day, but when he came in and told me about it… I cried. I mean, I NEVER wanted them together… But if them being together meant that Matt was safe from being prosecuted… I was down with that. So… That was a worry. But they got back together again… On conditions that she would stop being clingy and let him take that job down in Hobart. Coz it’s HIS effing life.

And I haven’t seen my mother in three weeks…

And the fact that bums are roaming my house is making me miss my childhood.

And Clark’s being such a retard claiming he KNOWS me. Seriously, you guise are the only one’s (other than my family) who know about this. I don’t go around flaunting my problems to every Tom, Dick and Harry, because I’m pretty sure that’s what emos do.

I dunno… Everything feels like it’s piling on top of me. Exams are coming up and stuff. And I’ve become completely unhappy with myself, because I just feel like I fail so much.

Yeah.

That’s my story.

You can go and live your lives nao. :3

Ya know… If you even READ all that. XD